Codeine is the New Cocaine – Tunde Asaju

Even when the Asiwaju Peoples Congress turns Naija into paradise on Sai Baba’s second term, enemies would keep the focus on the negative. If we used them, body bags would have been sent to Birnin Gwari, Mubi and Maiduguri where people are dying left, right and center. Our lacrimogenous glands have been blocked since adversaries took away our sense of national outrage replacing it with ethnicity and religious bigotry.

The business-savvy among us has called for arms rather than seek the path to peace. An eye for an eye does not leave half the world blind as some would say; it evens the score. Isn’t that what we want – an even world?

If you were sitting in a coffee shop trying to catch up with what is going on in Naija, you should be blamed for increasing national heartache and hyperventilation over the death of a few disposable individuals. Why should anyone be outraged when Fulanis are killing Gambaris?

Alhamdullilah! At least General Brutal is not sitting down on his table at Defence Headquarters doing nothing. That is not what a gallant general does when his daytime hobby is wrestling pythons as anyone with Google could verify. No, they skirt trouble spots and portray their gallantry to shame the likes of Jerry Rawlings who think we make more pepper soup generals than real fighters.

We are lucky to have a working general at the command of our troops in these times. Only the wicked would suggest his resignation just because under his watch, too many people, soldiers included have died. A soldier swears to lay down his life, even for an ungrateful and uncaring nation.

If every time a soldier is ambushed; if every time a town is razed and raided or a displaced people’s camp is attacked we sheepishly follow after muzungus and resign, who would be left to prosecute the war? General Brutal has been upandan rallying his troops. If you’re not a Naija speaker, befriend one and increase your vocabulary.

General Brutal has done it again reinforcing security after attacks – yippee! Birnin Gwari would get a new formation. It takes over 40 deaths to get that – martyrs all. Last Saturday he intercepted and arrested the four (4) armed robbers terrorising the Numan-Yola axis. Har abadaa forever, you’ll never hear of robbery on that road again.

If Donald Trump’s army chief had accomplished this feat, the world would have shared the Nobel Peace Prize nomination with him. But, let’s not go there, because if half of the people who died in Birnin Gwari had died anywhere in America, even Trump would have increased his vocabulary and flags would have flown at half-mast for the rest of his presidency. Forgive Naija migrants for refusing Rudolf Ogwo’s recommended reading – This American Life.

That’s not all. Somewhere in the northcentral region, one checkpoint yielded 92-armed herdsmen. It actually happened, but the BBC would not make a documentary about it. They prefer to chase codeine upandan.

Talking about codeine, I have come across an appreciation letter from the League of Smugglers to acknowledge the federal government’s efforts at beating President Jones billionaires list and increasing current job numbers. In the letter, the League declared it’s loyalty to the Sai Baba administration for putting codeine on the banned substance list without a plan of action for drug rehabilitation.

The group believes that this action would boost the country’s economy and increase the number of zombies roaming the streets or chained to trees. Then, enjiowo or NGOs would have something to harangue donors about.

According to the statement, members would vote for Buhari’s re-election to augment Ganduje’s magical numbers. The movement affirms that with codeine officially banned, its value would now surpass gbana or cocaine on major outlets. In a rare show of patriotism, the group assured Netanyahu that his agency would meet and surpass its targets this year and the next, as it would cooperate in exposing any outsider hoping to cash in on the trade without paying registration fees. Provided, the group says, officers cooperate with registered members whose list would be forwarded to all border posts.

The group affirmed that as long as the law of demand drives supplies, it would continue to make brisk business and urged statisticians to add thousands into the number of employment that would be created as a result of this ban. Now, who says Sai Baba would not win a second term?

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